so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
