I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
Randomize
