If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
