omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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