I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
And then my night got REAL pukey
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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