Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
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