oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
