She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
