walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize