just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
