My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Randomize
