Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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