pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
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