May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
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