i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize