He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Randomize