I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
