Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Randomize
