Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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