Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
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