Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
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