there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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