remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
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