He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
