i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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