A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
Randomize
