He uses pillows to masturbate.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Randomize
