Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize