dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Randomize
