I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
I didn't notice because vodka
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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