Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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