i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
