Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
This baby is an asshole
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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