Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Randomize
