Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Randomize
