Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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