Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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