He asked to "fluff my boner.."
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I spent a large portion of the night trying unsuccessfully to keep hayley (who was wearing a dress and no underwear) from doing handstands, but yea it was fun. the boys had fun
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
