if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
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