Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I think we should urban dictionary "drive of shame." It involves a sprint to your car in his underwear and shirt, surreptitiously trying to put on your bra on at stoplights without attracting attention from neighboring cars, and lurking in your car a block from home so you can know when your roommate leaves for work.
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
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