omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Randomize
