you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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