i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
No. You are not the Kate in this relationship. I will do what I want.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
They have beer where we have blood.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
