fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
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