Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
two words: eviction party
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
