My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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