I cannot find my penis.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
