I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Randomize
