Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
