i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
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