my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Randomize
