Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
