He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
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