It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
