I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Randomize
