Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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