i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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