rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
