He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
