she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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