he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
