If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
