We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Randomize
