i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
