He disabled his match.com account in front of me
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Randomize
