someone owes me an orgasm
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
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