she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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